Love & Forgiveness

The three recent back to back eclipses were meaningful for me. It was a special time.  They mark an ending of an 18 month period of healing. After I released Prismatic, my personal shadow and animus complex hell broke loose. I had to face my emotional shortcomings and look myself in the eye. I had to acknowledge where I complied with being abused. This was not easy. 

Lately, I’ve been feeling energetically supported by like-minded communities. I truly feel the love and I thank all those wishing me well. I’ve had major movements around being able to come from a loving place.

Once upon a time, I was betrayed. The difficult truth was that I betrayed myself by associating with people who obviously did not respect me. I fawned to abuse and I didn’t even realize what I was doing. In the end, I felt ashamed for being gullible.

I’ve been associating with Resonance Academy and the Coherence movement and universal peaceful contact CE5 and I could see how being afraid was cramping me. Recently, I realized that the past does not define the future. It’s over. Also, I’ve made some peace with the reality that I don’t control other people and all I can do is take care of me. 

I’ve wanted to be open-hearted but it’s been terrifying. It’s in my nature to often be kind. Im learning to balance having boundaries and discretion and also being a vehicle for divine consciousness. 

Forgiveness after abuse has been challenging. Mostly because I don’t trust myself. Shit was fucked up and I played along. It was like some sort of riddle to solve and then shit got so fucked up, I decided it was as far as I go and I stopped. I just want to forgive because I know that the filthy cunt bags are hurt little children seeking validation and love. 

I have days where I feel like I’ve forgiven and I feel good and light and then the next day, I get triggered and I fantasize about decapitating the transgressors, which is quite violent. I now understand why witches persecuted witches at the witch trials. Then, when I take two steps back from the entire situation, I realize, “heck, it don’t get more shadow animus complex than this.” Clearly, I vibrationally attracted this b.s. 

As fucked up as shit got, I feel that I was spared a lot worse because I was fundamentally acting out of kindness (and also naiveté) and I got closer to god through it all. 

I trust my perceptions now more than ever before. I do not tolerate deception, I see, hear and feel the truth. 

I have these peaceful moments where I know that I am one with the source and death is an illusion and love is the true nature of the universe and it was all a lesson and I am better off for it… and then, other moments are less connected, shall we say. My experiences of my perceptions and interpretations are so varied. 

I listen to my albums and Im like, “it was worth it.” H41l S4t4n ! … and I would also like to move out of growth through adversity and into growth through freedom and unlimited joy.